Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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