These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
