When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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