I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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