Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
