Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
