my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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