You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
