i think my tv is drunk
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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