My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
