good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
