i would punch a child for taco bell
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think your dad took our porno
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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