My liver just broke up with me...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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