Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
