got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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