The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
