his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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