I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
