I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
