Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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