highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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