Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
