Sry I called you an 8
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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