Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
