Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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