She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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