I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
