i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
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Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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