God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
