I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
