new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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