He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
