i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
