the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
