There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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