Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
