Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
