I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
