I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
