i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My dick has a subreddit
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
