HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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