dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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