I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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