Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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