They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
