Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
