OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
