so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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