dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
