man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
