Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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