Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
