Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
