My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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