i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize