I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
