I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
