His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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