someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
