and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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