Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
